Dear Letter,
Life has a funny way of catching up with me. For the past three months, I have been lying to my close friends that I am fine. When in reality, life hit me all at once, left me numb most days, and detached from my environment on some days. Last year was a yoyo and this year has been complicated. Instead of processing everything that has happened last & half of this year, I chose to run from my problems. I was tired of the constant healing, The problem with running away is we forget that we are taking ourselves. So after months of hiding in my bed and only having the motivation to get food, I decided to get to the root of my depression. This thought kept nagging at my mind, I AM STUCK IN EGYPT. To explore what that means and why my life felt this way, I consulted my Bible. So what do I mean?
Well Letter, it a metaphor for where my life was before (it's a mindset and pattern). Most of us know the story of the Israelites leaving Egypt. But after reading the story again over the past two months I realized, the Israelites left Egypt but Egypt never left the Israelites. It's the whole saying, "you can take the man out of the ghetto but you can't take the ghetto out of the man." Egypt to me was...
A season of affliction
My mental health had been going downhill for a while. After sacrificing my emotional health for a year, I no longer had the capacity to take care of my own emotions. I had also lost someone in my life and I did not give myself room to grief.
Instead of letting myself feel my emotions, I was thinking about how I should feel.
Growing Pains
Real self-love is unpacking your trauma and processing whatever revelations come with that. It is never easy,
Egypt had me reminiscing about the good ole days forgetting about the bitter days I cried and called to God to take me away from.
Craving my comfortable zone, at least that was 'the devil I knew'.
Becoming uncomfortable and going into this new space of healing and peace was causing panic and fear
Fear was keeping me away from my promised land and trapped in the past.
Lost of hope
My difficulties shelved my hope which in turn made me lose the passion and desire to go after the things I wanted.
Self-awareness is a powerful tool. When I acknowledged where I was, I was able to process everything, however, it not where I want to be. I want to leave Egypt and stay out. How do I undo the patterns I am attached to?
My sister said something to me the other day when we were talking about the Israelites, "...that type of trauma is not only hard to leave the body but to leave the mind."
Some things in my life are everyday healing and reminder. Things like working on fixing my attachment style are not a one-month thing and done.
I am a byproduct of my environment BUT part of learning is unlearning.
Accepting some things 'is what it is' and moving on.
Letting myself feel, not every day is going to be sunshine and that is AOkay!
MORE IMPORTANTLY: Trusting God (Jeremiah 1:5).
Letter, I am not making it out of this life alive, so it's time to stop surviving and start living. I have accepted many things these few months such as I am a low average-looking person, I have my sad days, I have been single since 99 & there is abs damn olutely nothing wrong with me, and real winners quit. This is my life and it's time to start living it. So cheers to learning, growing, & healing. Until next time.
Yours Truly,
D
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