... this is just the cliffnotes
Disclaimer: The topic below is very sensitive.
Note before reading: I am not looking for sympathy or pity...I'm just sharing part of my testimony.
I was around 12 when I began having suicidal thoughts. I didn't know why God created me and put me in this world. I didn't feel like the world needed me and it was probably better without me. The thing is my home life was good and happy. My family loved me, I saw it in their actions. We didn't have much but if I needed something I knew my mamma would do her best to provide it. I was rich in love, that much I knew and saw but I can't say I ever felt that way. You see once I walked out of my home door, there was the cold world awaiting to chew me again. Kids can be ruthless especially when you come from a whole different continent that gets a bad rep on media, speak little English, and have a thick accent (I can say I was called everything but my name). For a long time, I felt like some sought of disease no one wanted to be around; I felt like a plague. I was around 14 when I began having suicidal tendencies. Life caught up with me and I learned the only time I am good at running is when I am in my fight or flight zone. But my problems, I am as bad running from those as I am on the track. As time passes, I learn that the thing about running from your problems is that you take yourself. I wasn't living anymore, I was just surviving at this point. One can say I was living behind a facade, and ooh boy was I good at it. I was so good, I did not know who I was. I was a quiet individual, at school I put on my best smile, look like I have my whole life together, and do what I need to do and go. At home, I kept that same smile because I didn't want my parents worrying. I was consumed by the fear of being a burden to anyone around me. And when I was by myself, I would cry myself to sleep and hope not to wake up to do this again. But then I would wake up and I would look myself in the mirror and I would try to tell myself just survive this and maybe tomorrow will be better. The thing is nothing changed, it just felt like things kept accumulating. I was consumed by depression, peoples' opinion of me, my insecurities kept multiplying, and well kids don't change. I was holistically tired - one can pretend/fight for so long. I felt like I was buried alive and I didn't want to do it anymore. Someone once told me that people with suicidal tendencies don't want to die, they crave to live they just don't know how to get there. And that has always stuck with me because I didn't want to die but I also didn't want to live - I didn't want to be trapped in a world that I felt didn't want me. I had no hope left in me. But God had other plans. It seemed whatever I had in my head to impulsively do, God seemed to have other plans.
As time has gone by, I have slowly opened up to people about this and talked to people about it. These helped me to heal and continue healing. Talking to someone feels like a huge weight has been lifted from you. Think about it this way; you can't run far if pounds of weight were strapped to you but once those weights are taken off of you, you can run as far as you want and as fast as you would like. I decided to give this thing called life another try and it wasn't easy. I slowly had to learn who I am and I'm still learning. I had to learn to love myself (this one took a while) because to accept that I am loved, I had to accept loving myself. Not only do I know I am capable of being loved and loving others, but I also believe it. I know I am made on purpose, with a purpose, for a purpose. And even though some days I don't feel like it or can't tell you what my purpose is, I have hope. I have hope that God is using me to change someone's else world. I have hope because he has shown me that he has put me on this earth for a purpose.
So to whomever is reading this, I won't sit here and lie to you that healing is a one-time thing, that a magic wand is waved and life all of sudden becomes Disneyworld. No, it's an everyday healing but it's a beautiful thing. You have probably heard this cliche, but there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel. Look at how far you have come, you are slowly getting stronger and stronger even if you don't realize it. And as time passes, it will become easier because you have learned to adapt to what life has dealt you. So don't give up! The world NEEDS you. Trust me, I have been where you have been or are. I promise you, you are not alone. Talk to someone and if you feel like you have no one to talk to here is a number I would love/recommend you to save in your contacts (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988). I don't know if anyone has told you this, but I would like you to hear it from me. I am proud of you. Proud of how far you have come, proud of the healing journey you are about to take or are taking. Use your story to drive you, use it to see how far you are coming. And someday use it to help someone else.
I am also here so please don't give up just yet. If you need to talk, I will be a listening ear and if you need to cry, I will be a shoulder to lean on. You are loved.
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